There are observers and there are doers. I am a doer who observes. I don’t consider myself hyper active at all but I am all about action, taking action to experience, to learn and to grow personally.
In high school I was an observer, a lazy entitled observer at that. I wanted to blend in with others and not stand out. This was due in some part to having lost my middle school election. In eighth grade I ran for president. I made buttons with the slogan, “Patti Brooks for President. Don’t you dare be hesitant.” While losing was embarrassing I think a bigger reason I shied away from being seen was because that was a normal thing to do. Not wanting to be picked on or bullied, like many high schoolers, I faded into the background to avoid detection. I think my not practicing for that piccolo solo audition (which of course I didn’t get) was because I subconsciously didn’t want to stand in front of my school every Friday night or Saturday afternoon on the football field and play the Pink Panther solo. I’d definitely be seen in that role. Thinking back now, I didn’t believe I was good enough to do it. So I didn’t prepare for the audition and made that belief a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Moving to Willingboro in fifth grade helped me blend in. From kindergarten to fourth grade I was one of three blacks in an otherwise all white school. I didn’t know I was different until my kindergarten teacher read the controversial book Little Black Sambo to the class. My mom’s reaction when I told her and the parent-teacher meeting that followed made the fact that I was different crystal clear. In the subsequent three years at that school I managed to make friends and get along only being called nigger once. There was however that incident where a neighborhood boy poured sand on my head because I was black. It took my mom hours to get all the sand out of my hair. Even so, I adjusted to this difference and most of the students accepted me.
Then in fourth grade we moved back to Philadelphia because my father didn’t feel our neighborhood was black enough. He wanted us to get in touch with our “roots . There at my completely black school I couldn’t have stood out more – the strait way I spoke and the stiff unrythmic way I turned the double Dutch rope made me a freak. I found myself standing on the sidelines of that asphalt schoolyard, alone, standing out, unaccepted.
When Mommy and Daddy separated and my brother, grandmom, mom, and I moved to Willingboro, a more racially mixed suburb in the shadows of Philly, my skin color was not so noticed. There were white girls with whom I could be friends. I’d found it easier to relate to them because I’d spent seven years from age three to ten, getting used to their customs. It was what I knew.
In the fall of my freshman year of high school another incident caused me to want to disappear altogether. My private flute teacher seduced me. I was a consensual participant, well as much as a fifteen year old could consent to have a sexual relationship with a thirty-two year old man. But we got caught (my diary told the tale and led to that embarrassing police investigation). I was mortified and retreated inward even more. I didn’t want to be seen or stand out anywhere. So being an observer and blending in became my MO.
Now I’m in the limelight. Not so much because I want to be, but because I’m called to be. Having built up confidence and being awakened to the limited time we have on this planet I’m doing things that hold deep meaning to me and these things are different from what others are doing or experiencing. Simply by their nature it causes me to stand out. I embrace this however because it’s an opportunity to motivate and inspire others to try things they might be hesitant or fearful to. It’s a big part of my reason for being now.
Patricia Brooks is a speaker, life purpose coach, and the author of Growing Bold: How to Overcome Fear, Build Confidence, and Love the Life you Live. She is the host of the Discovering Courage Podcast where each week she explores how ordinary people have managed to live extraordinary lives. Patricia is currently living in France, pursuing her dreams.
Photo Credit: Nsey Benajah