“Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice. Not something to wish for, but to attain.” – William Jennings Bryan
Every choice we make brings us lessons and opportunities. Some lessons feel harder than others to learn. This is determined by several factors – how rigid our expectations are for how things should play out, how open we are to seeing our lessons as what we need to experience at a given time, and how closely aligned the choices we’ve made (before receiving a lesson) are to our core values and truest desires.
Letting go of expectations and learning to see the positive in each experience are two skills that are very important for personal growth and can be developed. I will tackle those at another time. This article focuses on the third factor, why some decisions we make are out of alignment with who we are and the importance of having our core values in clear focus when we make a decision.
We are faced with many choices in life. Perhaps you meet someone who has a lucrative business venture for you to partake in at a time when you feel frustrated with your day job. It would be easy to simply jump into this endeavor. But it might not be right for you and if it isn’t it could lead to heartache and a hard-learned lesson. Or perhaps you are looking for that perfect life partner. You’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and lack self-confidence so when someone starts to pursue you, you stop looking for anyone else rather quickly thinking he or she is the one. Maybe. Maybe not.
Often when our values don’t align with our decisions and we find ourselves learning a dreadful lesson it is because we’ve said “yes” to the first thing that came our way. I’ve gotta admit, I’ve been guilty of doing this in the past. In analyzing several of those situations, I’ve come to understand why I went down those rabbit holes. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
- Being afraid that this will be your last chance.
- Being afraid to say no for fear you won’t be accepted
- Being unable to see the situation as having other options
- Being in a stressful or precarious situation and wanting to decide quickly to get out of limbo
- Being unsure of what will satisfy your needs
- Believing that the “easy” choice will bring you what your desire with less effort
- Believing that simply because something is offered to you it is your destiny
What I have learned about each one of these is that fear, scarcity thinking, and narrow beliefs about fate and how life works played a major role. When we begin to recognize that there are many options at our disposal to solve a problem or to reach a goal, when we learn that many of the options that present themselves are patently not right for us, and when we rediscover, through self-reflection, what is most important for us to have, experience, and be, then things start to change and flow for us.
I started to make better decisions after a friend said to me, “You know, many of the things that are offered to us are simply not right for us. Just because something is offered to you, you don’t have to accept it.” That simple comment giving me permission to say no, made me stop and think. Since then, when I’m faced with an opportunity, I stop and remember this comment. It provides me the space I need to ask some very key questions:
- How does following through with this option make me feel? Alive or numb? Excited or fearful? Happy or sad?
- If I take this opportunity what won’t I be able to pursue because I’ll have less time, money, energy, etc.?
- How will taking this opportunity serve my purpose or help me reach my goals?
- What other ways could I fulfill my purpose or reach my goals more harmoniously or effectively?
By stopping and asking these questions I break the need for an immediate decision and begin to see there could be other, better options for me. I can step away briefly or longer, if necessary, to make a better decision. And I can return and say “yes” or “no” with conviction, free to move forward in that direction or not without regret or shame.
Awareness that alternatives exist to the option(s) you are presented with and knowing exactly what is most important for you to experience is transformative. You begin to make different and better decisions, you are able to hear and listen to your intuition, and you are able to say “no” more easily when situations merit it. When you do these things, life will begin to flow more effortlessly for you and the life lessons that are sent your way are easier ones to swallow.
What will your destiny hold? Will you leave it up to chance or choice?
Photo Credit: Leah Böhm