Have you ever gotten a bad vibe about someone after you’ve known them for a short time? A feeling that there was something dark or underhanded or dishonest about them, but the exact reason you felt that way about them eluded you? I have. In recent months, however, I have a clearer picture of why I might feel that way about someone and of what it is exactly that puts me off. It is shortcuts and facades that leak the energy of inauthenticity, neediness, and dog eat dog competitiveness.
People who rub me the wrong way, sometimes instantly, but more often after I get to know them a little all seem to have something in common that triggers an uneasiness and distrust. They tend to want to take the easy route, shortcuts to success and happiness in their lives. These shortcuts never lead them to the successes and happiness they seek. Sure, they might look successful or have short-lived wins, but if you look underneath them, these victories are hollow – outer victories, inner defeats.
That uncomfortable vibe emanating from them, that makes me feel uncomfortable too, is the energy of their thoughts and intentions. Perhaps it’s a thought like how can this person help me get what I need with little or no effort or investment on my part or one that sounds like I hope this person can’t see through me to the real me, struggling to make ends meet, make the next deal, or keep my marriage together or maybe the thought is I’m smarter than this person is, so I can put one over on her.
I know because I have been this person, looking out for only what was in my interest because I needed the sale, or I needed to get out of a miserable job or I had to rise to the top of my field at the expense of someone else. But, at the end of the day I would come home to a mailbox with bounced check notices from the bank, credit card statements showing I’d maxed out my account, and an unhappy home life. Living the image of a dream life, but in reality living a cowards one all because I was too lazy to take the time to balance my checking account or didn’t have the willpower to stick to a budget or got married with only my selfish objectives in mind. Unhappy and disappointed with myself I hoped no one could see through my exterior – the college degrees from prestigious schools, yet financially struggling, the happy marriage in front of others, but on the verge of divorce at home.
Did people see through it? Maybe they could, maybe they couldn’t. But now, years later after a bunch of self-reflection and analysis, self-help books, and life’s losses, I have been able to break down the façade and uncover my true nature. The person I am today is not only capable of taking the longer, slower, high road toward success, she is willing to and, in fact, knows no other way now. I now see that those short cuts I’d taken were only traps to stay stuck, safe, and small despite my desire to experience the very opposite. Today I am transformed into someone who can accept herself and how she acted before and be okay with it. I am transformed into the person who likes me despite those former transgressions and who others like because I no longer doubt the value I bring to the world and am able to share it. The undercurrent of being a fugitive, hiding out and hoping not to be found out, has been replaced by good self-esteem and compassion for myself and others. I don’t feel the bad vibe from myself anymore. And I am more aware of it in others. The solution: no more shortcuts and no more facades.
Learn more about how I conquered the shortcuts and facades in my new book Growing Bold: How to Overcome Fear, Build Confidence, and Love the Life You
Photo Credit: Kai Shreiber