You have to learn the rules and follow them before you can successfully break them and move on in life.
You see, I’m turning into a rule breaker. Me, by the book, check the box, conformist, Patricia. I guess this was what was at the heart of the question that came to me three years ago in that hotel room in Lyon, France when the idea for my first book came to me. I was traveling on my own searching for what would be my new town in my new country. Me, the homebody, who was homesick her whole first year of college and who never really wanted to venture too far from home, was planning to move overseas.
The question was “what’s happening to me?” How was I miraculously doing this thing that was considered out of bounds in the game of life I was playing? The answer, which I heard plain as day, was “You are Growing Bold.” I had taken the answer at face value, as truth and thought, yes, yes you are. But I needed to understand how that was possible. That wasn’t who I had been so how could I now be growing bold?
Today, after having explored the how and after embracing an even deeper degree of daring by actually moving overseas, the how isn’t what makes me curious. What makes me curious is the role that rules play in my life now. For years I was a conformist who followed the rules – my parent’s, societies’, my employers’ – so that I could make a good living, have benefits, retire at 65 at which time I could live happily ever after. Except after a lot of achieving and external success I wasn’t happy. I hopped from one job to the next looking for happiness. I had followed the rules well so why wasn’t I winning the game? Why couldn’t I find happiness?
As I experienced life, as I got more in touch with my core values and was able to hear, trust, and listen to my intuition I realized the game of life had changed for me. Following the rules and playing by them was no longer sufficient to bring me that for which my heart longed. I no longer wanted to be an executive for a large corporation. I didn’t feel the need to make more money than I would know what to do with. And I didn’t feel the need to gain the approval of those who still were following the old rules and playing the old game. These changes happened gradually in me and, at first, the idea of not following the rules didn’t feel right.
Now as I’ve tested doing a different thing, following a different path, I understand that I will be okay, and it feels pretty good.
The thing is rules do serve a purpose. Those rules I followed gave me structure, taught me discipline, helped me build confidence in myself and in my abilities, and allowed me to earn a living. But it’s important to know when the game has changed for you, when getting the prize at the end no longer excites you. Or even, maybe when you have changed and come to see that it was someone else’s game you’d been playing all along; the prize really never excited you all that much in the first place.
The topic of rules popped into my mind today because as I prepare to launch my book, I’m working to win at a new game — entrepreneurship and marketing. There is a formula for success in this game. This formula, the rules, I have yet to learn entirely and master. I’m just starting to embrace these concepts and believe they will work for me. As I do, it occurred to me that I traded an outdated set of rules for these new ones. And while following rules and having the freedom I’ve come to learn is vital for my happiness, seem like opposing choices, they are actually closely linked.
I’ll need to learn these new rules and follow and apply them to my business to achieve the level of success that I’m seeking. I know this. The thought of learning and mastering this new area motivates me. It gives me direction and even makes me feel happy and on purpose. Strangely, however, in the back corner of my mind, I realize these new rules which I will master might, at some point, no longer serve me. I might have to step off the beaten path once again and do my own thing, more fully prepared to learn and embrace the next set of rules so I can continue to evolve and grow.
Patricia Brooks is a life experiences coach, speaker, and the author of Growing Bold: How to Overcome Fear, Build Confidence, and Love the Life you Live. She is the host of the Discovering Courage Podcast where each week she explores how ordinary people have managed to live extraordinary lives. She will be releasing her second book, Live a Bold Life: 30 Days to Your Fearless Future, later in 2019. Patricia is currently living in France, pursuing her dreams.