That’s it! I’m going to stop trying to understand why I’m living here in Perpignan France. I’m going to stop searching my mind to find the reason I plopped down into this place, unknown to me just two years ago. It’s a veritable heaven on earth (for me) yet I see so many people who don’t get this about the place in which they live. As I walk down the palm tree lined streets with breathtaking views of mountain landscapes I also take in the 
expressions on the faces of many of the locals – vacant stares, worry etched into their foreheads, fear escaping from their eyes. I thought perhaps I was misreading these signs, but their discontent was confirmed by an older woman I met at a bus stop. She commented to me, randomly, “La vie est un combat.” She views life as a fight, a battle. This is what I see in these haunting expressions.
I came here because I had this strong feeling that I was meant to be here to soak up the incredible sense of freedom I get when I’m here. I’ve been living here for two months and I have no doubt that selling all my things and moving 4,000 miles from the only country I’ve known as home was the right thing for me to do. I know that following my heart and blocking out very logical advice offered by well-meaning friends, and even from myself, was the perfect path for me to travel. Yet during this last month I’ve become very curious. I find myself searching for the purpose of my new life here and the “why” behind my irrational urge to get here. Needing to comprehend my reason for being in Perpignan could leave the wonderful prospects in store for me, here, unrealized.
I made the decision and took the necessary steps to get here, without needing to find a satisfying, logical answer to this question. Yet I feel compelled to understand it now. As I question my intuition, I inadvertently inject a seed of doubt into this dream life I’m creating. I suppose it’s natural to have the questions I have – Why am I here? What’s next for me here? How will I make a living here? – because it’s my default position. I’d found great comfort in reason and logic for forty-eight of my fifty-one years, especially in times where I felt I was in the “in between”, rambling about in a limbo of sorts.
By no means am I stressing myself out about finding the answer to these questions, but they do come to mind on occasion. The desperation of the unhappy souls I pass on the street juxtaposed against my feeling so alive and at peace here, makes me ask myself: “Why Perpignan, Patricia? Is this where you are really supposed to be?” Then there are the days when I don’t feel very productive. During the nights that follow these days, I lie in bed tired yet restless, unable to sleep. I turn on an audiobook to drown out my doubts and this immediate need to know. These are the times I feel the need to understand on a rational level the reason I’ve been guided here, why forces allowed me to do what was required to move here so seamlessly.
However, this morning I awoke with an understanding; not the understanding of my purpose here in Perpignan, but the understanding of how the energy of needing to know impinges on the energy that guides my steps, allows me to hear and feel my wonderful sense of intuition, and faithfully follow its gentle, easy flow. Needing to know and its accompanying energy threaten to dampen my spirit and block my blessings.
I am letting go of this need, right here, right now, confident in my ability to trust in God’s plan for me.
Wow, what a powerful affirmation. But what is even more powerful is the flash of inspiration I received as I wrote that last line. I heard:
“You are a writer. You are creative. You are inspiring. You are a creative and inspiring writer!”
In that very instant of letting go, I learned some very powerful truths about myself that I hadn’t, to this point, fully embraced. Truths that are setting me free.
About the author: Patricia Brooks is a speaker, life purpose coach, and author of Growing Bold: How to Overcome Fear, Build Confidence, and Love the Life you Live. She is currently living in France and experiencing her dream.
Photo Credits: Transformer18, Hans-Peter Gauster Patrick McManaman