Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!
Well, now I have gotten what I’ve been praying for over the last two years, “Now what?” This is the question that fills my mind as I’m lying in bed, trying to drift off to sleep, anxious because I’ve changed my life completely by moving to the South of France.
I’d spent so much time planning to get here, I hadn’t made a very concrete plan for what I’d do once I’d arrived. During the dreaming and planning phases I leaned on the idea that my intuition, my inner coach, my God would guide me. I still believe this to be the case. However, being here without a care in the world (except finding a way to support myself) my faith wavers in and out like a spotty Wi-Fi connection. This vacillation in my faith threatens my ability to stay in good vibrations and to pull it off.
I have successfully pushed the bounds of my already expanded comfort zone. I’ve reveled in the initial feeling of success after jettisoning most of my worldly possessions, getting on a plane, and traveling 4,000 miles to reach this magic place, Perpignan France, that called me here. And now, two weeks in I’m dealing with self-doubt, an emotion I thought I’d disarmed and put to rest. The three questions that berate me at night and in the early morning hours when I find myself unable to sleep are: “What are you doing? What were you thinking? What have you done?”
If I can be truthful, it was exactly this discomfort, this newness of everything, this surreal yet very crystal-clear sense of being truly alive that I was seeking in making this change. I realized that to get to the next level of awareness, I’d have to shake things up a bit. Now, having taken the leap, I’m feeling very alive, and a bit scared, uncertain of what each day will bring. I find myself wondering if I’ll be up for the challenge or if I will cave to the faint, but still present, negative voice in my head that regularly questions my decision to move here.
Last night, this morning, I faced the stark reality that I am not totally in control here. In addition to my making a plan, I must also rely heavily on faith that everything will turn out as it should. This reality has always been true. I just never saw it this way, so acutely, before. I believed that taking charge, demanding and driving things to make them happen, gave me the power to make it so. In this way I was blinded to how my forcing things to be a certain way actually made things more difficult and, in fact, gave me less control. My former routine, my old lifestyle, everything I’d grown accustomed to made it seem as if I was pulling the strings, as if I was in charge.
Six weeks prior to my leaving the United States I found myself frequently writing prayers to God, thanking him for His gifts, asking for His guidance and continued grace. This practice eased the stress I felt brought on by my impending journey. It helped me complete all that had to be accomplished before the big move. It gave me strength and kept me sane. It made my dream a reality.
Now that I have accomplished what I set out to – finding challenge and putting myself in unfamiliar situations – I have to figure out how to make the uncomfortable comfortable, how to put aside what scares me so I can continue to move forward. I must learn how to tap in to that sense of freedom I felt in my initial days here, a feeling that compelled me to come here in the first place.
One challenge I’d prepared for was the language barrier. During my three previous trips to France, language had been a big frustration, a major source of discomfort and stress. But the three years I’d spent learning, practicing, and listening to the language are now finally paying off. People understand what I am saying to them. This has taken me by surprise. But what astounds me even more is how much better my comprehension is. I no longer hear spoken French in individual words, searching for meaning or recognition piecemeal, grasping to understand anything. Now I am hearing it in complete sentences, sentences whose meanings are clear to me, sentences to which I am able to respond appropriately and be understood. This initial success with the language will be my foundation, one I can build upon and continue to develop, one on which I can steady myself and stabilize my fears, increasing my faith and self-confidence in the process.
Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it! When you do, it’s important to have a plan that includes leaning on your strengths and trusting in that which anchors you to the universe, be it God or some other source of faith.
Photo Credits: Neil Bates and Alessio Lin