Anticipating a certain outcome, good or bad, or expecting things to go as planned can set us up to experience disappointment, frustration, annoyance, and unhappiness and can cause us to miss the joys of the present moment. Yesterday I went kayaking with a friend. We had planned to kayak to a beautiful cove just beyond the lighthouse. When we started out the water and the wind were calm, but ten minutes into our journey the wind picked up and the water got choppy. We had to exert a lot of effort to row and move forward. It was tiring to say the least. We continued on for another twenty minutes or so and then we decided to turn back. It was just too strenuous to continue.
When we were back on shore my friend remarked how disappointed he was that we didn’t make it to that cove. It was the first time I’d been kayaking on the Mediterranean and so for me that experience was rewarding in and of itself, but he seemed disappointed with the weather and by not reaching our destination. Despite his disappointment we decided on a Plan B and went to a park nearby and later to a beach that was close to the cove that we had been planning to row to. I saw this as another adventure. Over the course of the afternoon he kept revisiting his disappointment, however. Not fully enjoying what we were doing. He commented “The forecast said it wasn’t going to be windy.” and “The approach to that cove is so beautiful, I wish you could have seen it.” and “If only it hadn’t been so windy, we could have done it.” and “When we set out it wasn’t windy.”
It was a nice day. The temperature was in the low eighties with no humidity and there was a slight cloud cover so the sun was not too hot. I took in the beautiful garden at the park and the magnificent views from the beach as I listened to him lament our failure to make it to our planned destination. And it struck me how much of his attention was focused on the past (granted, it was the very recent past, but the past nonetheless) and what we were not able to experience and how little of his attention was on the actual present moments as they arrived.
When we focus too much on our anticipation and expectations in advance or when we focus on them and how our results did not measure up after the fact, our attachment to our imagined outcomes can lead us to be distracted from life and what is happening to us in the here and now. I’m guilty of this myself, but after spending time doing some deep inner work I’ve started to become less attached to things and to outcomes and it seems to be helping me be more present and to see and enjoy the small things in life. Learning to let bygones be bygones is freeing.
Have you ever ruminated about something that did not turn out as you had planned? How might being somewhat detached to the outcome of your plans or being fully open to enjoying a plan B help you move past your disappointments?
Patricia Brooks is a life experiences coach, speaker, and the author of Growing Bold: How to Overcome Fear, Build Confidence, and Love the Life you Live. She is the host of the Discovering Courage Podcast where each week she explores how ordinary people have managed to live extraordinary lives. Patricia is currently living in France, pursuing her dreams.
Photo Credit: Charles Deluvio